Hey, world over there!! I’m still alive…I promise, alive and chugging along.
Since I believe honesty is the key to so many things in life, I want you to learn something that is honestly hard about my life right now. Something that I honestly don’t really want to tell you, except for the fact that I’d be lying to give you a life update saying everything is picture perfect.
On December 9th my family set forth on a crazy endeavor to Kenya. This morning, I sat in the car thinking how abnormal it is to be “going to church” on ‘Palm Sunday’ surrounded by a bunch of crazy colored boys singing at the top of their lungs. To me, life is incredibly normal. It’s normal to sweat 24/7, literally even when you sleep. It’s normal to have regular power shortages and Internet hiccups. It’s normal to have a cold shower. It’s normal for me to do next to no textbook schoolwork but instead teach 1st-4th grade. It’s normal to take a motorbike or Tuk-Tuk wherever I go accompanied by one of my brothers. It’s normal to go to bible study on Thursday afternoons. It’s normal to wake up at 6:30am and be at school teaching by 8am. It’s normal to be absolutely exhausted every day. It’s normal to break down in tears at least once a week because some little boy has lied to me and broken my heart. This is my normal. And it’s going on record to say… I’m momentarily sick of Africa.
At least, I was.
Everyone seems to want to know “how I’m doing”, so there you have it. I haven’t been going too hot, and I apologize for the lack of communication. This past Saturday & Sunday I took a break from everything. I’m just: Done. The reason I’m being such a horrible friend is because I don’t want to tell you that I’m weak and that the Kenya that I’m supposedly “addicted to” has worn me out. I’m ignoring you because when you ask me “what’s wrong?”…It’s hard to not break down in tears. Culture shock was “supposed” to hit me my 3rd WEEK in country, not 3 months. Some might think this is totally inappropriate or too personal to be putting on my public blog, but it’s life. It’s my life and I want you to realize I struggle just like you. Just because I’m a missionary doesn’t mean all my sin got left on the plane from SF to Turkey. Your life is just as hard as I feel mine is right now, you’re just probably not on a continent 13,000 miles from your best friends, knowing that they’re worried about their next social outing and I’m worried I just lost the chance to share the gospel with that boy. I am in NO way saying what you are doing is small. No. I am reminding myself that what I am doing is just as important as being a missionary in Oakdale, CA. Because wherever I am, I am somehow discontent with serving the Lord in that place and that needs to change. It’s not about my failure or your failure. It’s about our Anguish without Christ and our Joy with Him. We all need our joy back. Here’s how I all happened…
In December; everyone here had a jolly good time. Everything was just like my super fabulous 3-week mission trip was in 2010. There were only approximately 40 boys at Agape. We had a carnival, we had popcorn and bonfires and got to know the boys and we loved them really well. Because that’s all Christ tells to do. Our missionary team consisted of 6 adult Agape missionaries and 12 kids.
In January, school started and we were still fresh meat and totally innocent and oblivious (still are, by the way.) My mom was hard at work writing Kitanda project reports and doing her magic on the computer, my dad was busy building relationships and trying to understand the school…and both parents were trying to educate 5 kids at the same time. I signed up to tutor a boy, Daniel, one on one because I knew no one else in the world wanted to. Five days a week I poured everything I had into this boy who spoke close to NO English and prayed that something would happen.
In Febuary…most everything was happy go lucky. Life was fine. Daniel was making progress and our family was plugging along perfectly. That’s when it hit. March 2012. I’m putting it on record as the worst month of my short life except for the fact that our missionary team grew by two. Blake and Esther Gibbs are a miracle to my life and to so many others. Needless to say, one thing on top of another turned me into an emotional wreck. The boys that I thought I loved, who told me lies to give them things or to sympathize with them, those boys hurt deep because all I was doing was loving like Christ. Daniel was sent home for a number of reasons, so my two-month project flew out the window. My backpack was stolen with my Kindle and Bible inside. I became a crappy sister to my adoring brothers and a horrible kid to my hard-working parents. I was incredibly struggling with being a “child” who submits and a sister who loves, yet being a missionary who teaches and preaches. I stopped being in the word daily and I let myself slip out of routine time in the word, big mistake. Don’t try and do ministry without God. One of my best friends got engaged, I lost touch with many friends back home, soccer practice was physically painful and emotionally draining because of all the taunting and over dramatic = skin color questions. Boys became a problem and it made me question ministering in an all-boy ministry…(some times I forget I’m a 16-year-old white, overly friendly female).
These are my weaknesses, these are my failures and I’m done with letting them drag me down. Things went from a hard that I could control to a hard that I had not an OUNCE of power over. God did some fabulous things this past month. But I’ve just masked the good in the bad so you couldn’t find the good even if you looked. I’ve made it so much about me and what “I’m feeling” that I’ve honestly forgotten that It’s not about me. None of it is. Even teaching ABC & 123 is about Christ.
I’m posting this here because I’m letting it all out and this week, I’m moving on and I’m not talking about it again. I’m done letting the devil win every day. A new month is a new beginning. Some very wise person recently told me,
“Satan wants nothing more than to make you anything other than a missionary. He wants to rip you away from ministry and sharing the gospel and Christ…forever. He’s making these 11 months as hard as he can because he knows if these are hard enough you will never come back and make the difference that you’re making now.”
I’m praying for some of you specifically right now. Because I know you’re struggling in similar yet different ways as I am. As Christians we’re all under attack all the time and our flesh is just helping Satan even when our Spirit screams NO. This week I’m going to be a student and attend an incredibly intensive counseling class so I can learn how to help our at-risk-boys. First step on my way to becoming a social worker!! Real world experience! I know I need something different to get out of my rut. What do you need? We’re all growing up guys, now, and we can fight the devil or we can fight God. Narrow is the path that leads to righteousness and few are those who find it. Be honest… WHO are you fighting? Because in March, I think my flesh fought with God, and I will NEVER let that happen again.
Love, Kate
Ps. Thank you for all the encouragement that came my way throughout this. If I wrote up all the facebook messages, text messages and letters I received I would be overwhelmed. God is so good.
Pps. I got a new Bible!! The same one I lost. Thank youuuu Mom & Dad. [I’m gonna get my joy back.]
Since I believe honesty is the key to so many things in life, I want you to learn something that is honestly hard about my life right now. Something that I honestly don’t really want to tell you, except for the fact that I’d be lying to give you a life update saying everything is picture perfect.
On December 9th my family set forth on a crazy endeavor to Kenya. This morning, I sat in the car thinking how abnormal it is to be “going to church” on ‘Palm Sunday’ surrounded by a bunch of crazy colored boys singing at the top of their lungs. To me, life is incredibly normal. It’s normal to sweat 24/7, literally even when you sleep. It’s normal to have regular power shortages and Internet hiccups. It’s normal to have a cold shower. It’s normal for me to do next to no textbook schoolwork but instead teach 1st-4th grade. It’s normal to take a motorbike or Tuk-Tuk wherever I go accompanied by one of my brothers. It’s normal to go to bible study on Thursday afternoons. It’s normal to wake up at 6:30am and be at school teaching by 8am. It’s normal to be absolutely exhausted every day. It’s normal to break down in tears at least once a week because some little boy has lied to me and broken my heart. This is my normal. And it’s going on record to say… I’m momentarily sick of Africa.
At least, I was.
Everyone seems to want to know “how I’m doing”, so there you have it. I haven’t been going too hot, and I apologize for the lack of communication. This past Saturday & Sunday I took a break from everything. I’m just: Done. The reason I’m being such a horrible friend is because I don’t want to tell you that I’m weak and that the Kenya that I’m supposedly “addicted to” has worn me out. I’m ignoring you because when you ask me “what’s wrong?”…It’s hard to not break down in tears. Culture shock was “supposed” to hit me my 3rd WEEK in country, not 3 months. Some might think this is totally inappropriate or too personal to be putting on my public blog, but it’s life. It’s my life and I want you to realize I struggle just like you. Just because I’m a missionary doesn’t mean all my sin got left on the plane from SF to Turkey. Your life is just as hard as I feel mine is right now, you’re just probably not on a continent 13,000 miles from your best friends, knowing that they’re worried about their next social outing and I’m worried I just lost the chance to share the gospel with that boy. I am in NO way saying what you are doing is small. No. I am reminding myself that what I am doing is just as important as being a missionary in Oakdale, CA. Because wherever I am, I am somehow discontent with serving the Lord in that place and that needs to change. It’s not about my failure or your failure. It’s about our Anguish without Christ and our Joy with Him. We all need our joy back. Here’s how I all happened…
In December; everyone here had a jolly good time. Everything was just like my super fabulous 3-week mission trip was in 2010. There were only approximately 40 boys at Agape. We had a carnival, we had popcorn and bonfires and got to know the boys and we loved them really well. Because that’s all Christ tells to do. Our missionary team consisted of 6 adult Agape missionaries and 12 kids.
In January, school started and we were still fresh meat and totally innocent and oblivious (still are, by the way.) My mom was hard at work writing Kitanda project reports and doing her magic on the computer, my dad was busy building relationships and trying to understand the school…and both parents were trying to educate 5 kids at the same time. I signed up to tutor a boy, Daniel, one on one because I knew no one else in the world wanted to. Five days a week I poured everything I had into this boy who spoke close to NO English and prayed that something would happen.
In Febuary…most everything was happy go lucky. Life was fine. Daniel was making progress and our family was plugging along perfectly. That’s when it hit. March 2012. I’m putting it on record as the worst month of my short life except for the fact that our missionary team grew by two. Blake and Esther Gibbs are a miracle to my life and to so many others. Needless to say, one thing on top of another turned me into an emotional wreck. The boys that I thought I loved, who told me lies to give them things or to sympathize with them, those boys hurt deep because all I was doing was loving like Christ. Daniel was sent home for a number of reasons, so my two-month project flew out the window. My backpack was stolen with my Kindle and Bible inside. I became a crappy sister to my adoring brothers and a horrible kid to my hard-working parents. I was incredibly struggling with being a “child” who submits and a sister who loves, yet being a missionary who teaches and preaches. I stopped being in the word daily and I let myself slip out of routine time in the word, big mistake. Don’t try and do ministry without God. One of my best friends got engaged, I lost touch with many friends back home, soccer practice was physically painful and emotionally draining because of all the taunting and over dramatic = skin color questions. Boys became a problem and it made me question ministering in an all-boy ministry…(some times I forget I’m a 16-year-old white, overly friendly female).
These are my weaknesses, these are my failures and I’m done with letting them drag me down. Things went from a hard that I could control to a hard that I had not an OUNCE of power over. God did some fabulous things this past month. But I’ve just masked the good in the bad so you couldn’t find the good even if you looked. I’ve made it so much about me and what “I’m feeling” that I’ve honestly forgotten that It’s not about me. None of it is. Even teaching ABC & 123 is about Christ.
I’m posting this here because I’m letting it all out and this week, I’m moving on and I’m not talking about it again. I’m done letting the devil win every day. A new month is a new beginning. Some very wise person recently told me,
“Satan wants nothing more than to make you anything other than a missionary. He wants to rip you away from ministry and sharing the gospel and Christ…forever. He’s making these 11 months as hard as he can because he knows if these are hard enough you will never come back and make the difference that you’re making now.”
I’m praying for some of you specifically right now. Because I know you’re struggling in similar yet different ways as I am. As Christians we’re all under attack all the time and our flesh is just helping Satan even when our Spirit screams NO. This week I’m going to be a student and attend an incredibly intensive counseling class so I can learn how to help our at-risk-boys. First step on my way to becoming a social worker!! Real world experience! I know I need something different to get out of my rut. What do you need? We’re all growing up guys, now, and we can fight the devil or we can fight God. Narrow is the path that leads to righteousness and few are those who find it. Be honest… WHO are you fighting? Because in March, I think my flesh fought with God, and I will NEVER let that happen again.
Love, Kate
Ps. Thank you for all the encouragement that came my way throughout this. If I wrote up all the facebook messages, text messages and letters I received I would be overwhelmed. God is so good.
Pps. I got a new Bible!! The same one I lost. Thank youuuu Mom & Dad. [I’m gonna get my joy back.]
